WHEN LIFE CHANGES, BUT NOT FOR THE BETTER

 Often when I think about the fact that I have anxiety, I immediately say to myself,

Anxiety, Stress, OCD

that’s crazy!! You are better than this.”

I agree. At first glance it would in fact seem crazy.

Mainly because nearly every person who knows me, has no idea.

Despite their unknowing and/or conscious unseeing, I read a lot online about anxiety. It helps me better understand myself and how to deal with issues related to anxiety.

That’s where it gets real. The entire time I think, yup that’s me. That too. Yup, I do that too.

                The verdict’s in, I have anxiety!

It’s crazy the way society works. The way we interpret what we perceive to know about others.  We may see others as having a weird quirk, but nothing more. Often not seeing the situation for anything more than what appears at face value.

For years I’ve been called uppity because of my OCD. If I get involved in a project it has to be 100%. There is no such thing as good enough. In fact, there is almost no limit to my willing to make anything a step above the rest. If I even perceive that the product others want is less than perfection, I immediately lose interest.

While this may appear as a good trait to possess (depending on the severity), it definitely is not fun.

For years my house looked like a show room. So afraid that if I didn’t keep it clean someone might think I was a bad mother or wife. Looking back, I fear I may have made it an unwelcoming place.

                Life in the valley

As of recent, I’ve taken up residence in the valley.  I let go. Called it quits.

After all, isn’t that what life is made of? Peaks and valleys. Ups and downs. Happy and sad.

Since taking up residence in the valley, the house looks like a junk yard.

Not really. In reality it’s just cluttered.

But to me, it may as well have had a tornado hit it.

Each morning I wake up, infuriated. It makes me insane when I see the mess.  Instant anxiety. Overwhelming feelings of defeat, lack of accomplishment and self-destructing inner dialog takes root. Everything is a reminder that I’m not doing a good enough job taking care of the family.

I don’t even think they care. But to me, it’s another thing I’m not doing right.

The problem is, life in the valley is exhausting. The constant defeat and disappointment is too much. I go home from work and want to crawl in a hole.

Faking the Funk at Work

Being chipper and friendly at work is exhausting too. Not to mention there is a whole lot of anxiety associated with that in and of itself.

Pretending to be chipper at work isn’t something I feel bad about. At my core I believe personal issues should not be brought into the office. The other reason I don’t feel bad, is because once I do crawl out of the valley, everyone will be there looking at me. Wondering if they should walk on egg shells because I’m too fragile. Thinking about escaping that, is just too much.

To be honest, this is something new. I’ve never been in a place where I hated the mess, and not been compelled to immediately clean it.

But here I am. Tired and too defeated to fix it. This time, exhaustion is superseding my need for the house to be clean.

                You can always count on OCD to kick you when you’re down

My good friend OCD still lives in the valley with me. Just the other day my husband asked about something I KNOW I put in my purse.

I responded,

Yes, I have it.”

Then immediately set down my purse and stated,

I have to see it.”

I then proceeded to look in my purse and verify it was there.

It was. But then, I already knew that.

BUT not seeing it, that isn’t something I can do. Once I’m asked something I have to see it. Otherwise I’m plagued with the repeating thoughts of, what if I did forget? Which leads into my favorite self-sabotage, it’s my fault. Then the ultimate reflection, something else I did wrong.

It’s better to check. Fix it while you can.

I live in constant fear I will be blamed for something. I don’t want to give the wrong impression, this is not my families doing. If I didn’t check when the opportunity presented itself, and the item was missing, that is my fault. There simply is no other way to look at it.

Day by day in the valley

As always there are little things that start sparking my attention. Something I find a little joy in and eventually I start to see my happiness come back. One of those things is baking with my daughter.

We have a home bakery and attend the farmers market here in Harker Heights. I must admit I’m looking forward to it. I just wish I could shake the feeling of not having energy. That feeling of not being able to do what I need to do. For no reason, at least no rational reason, I already feel like I’m going to forget something.

                Closing Thoughts

As I always do I’m going to keep forcing myself to activities. Force myself to go to work, smile at co-workers and reply in a sweet tone.  As they say, this too shall pass. While I always have anxiety, it doesn’t always hit me at the depression level, which is exhausting.

                Have a few great tips to deal with anxiety? Please share

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