WARNING: INDIVUAL IN MIRROR IS CRAZIER THAN THEY APPEAR

Life…is hard.

It is for everyone. We all experience disappointments.  Life hands them out like candy from a pez dispenser.

I, like many, keep people at an arms distance, using sarcasms as a defense mechanism. Guarding my feelings. Afraid to let anyone get close to me.

I can’t explain how I developed anxiety about others liking me. Other than the fact I got made fun of all the time when I was young. In elementary school girls pretended to like me, then made fun of me using anything I had disclosed.

For lack of a better analogy, it felt like handing them the gun they shot me with.

I immediately learned to trust no one. At 41 my ability to trust has NOT improved.

Unfortunately, as an adult I’ve been back stabbed enough to reinforce within myself that people are not trust worthy. At least none that I’ve known.

It’s sad. I really love people. But I CANNOT, perhaps WILL NOT allow people into my life.

I’ve perfected my actress skills over the years. At least I assume I have. No one thinks I hide anything. People constantly say things like, “I know you pretty well” or “We’re good friends. We think alike.”

Except when they talk, I know there is nothing a like about us at all.

In fact, I’m so good at this actress role I’ve given myself, people think I’m one of the funniest people they know. After all, at face value laughter is associated with happiness.

In my case, it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Starting Life Again

When I met my husband in 2001 I was going through a divorce. I believe my ex-husband feels the same, so I don’t feel bad in saying we stuck it out for WAY too long.

Regardless, my current husband was like Prince Charming. He strolled in on his white horse with charm the prince himself didn’t possess.

Even then I wanted to be alone. Certainly I didn’t deserve anyone that nice. I knew it then, and I know it now.

He deserved better. Still deserves better.

For reasons I don’t understand, he stuck with me. Being the fun loving guy he is, he dealt with me not wanting people at our house. Of course, I never wanted to go to anyone else’s’ house either.

He dealt with my intense lack of wiliness to obtain and maintain friendships. All the while clinging to him like a life preserver.

First Deployment ~ 2006

Fast forward to his first deployment. The one in which he first started to change.

When he returned, I was glad to have him back. Considering I was in my own world, I didn’t notice any change.

I’m sure dealing with me for the past 5-years was taking a toll. If only I had a dollar for every time I told him,

There is a special place in heaven for you, for having dealt with me.”

He thinks I’m crazy. I’m okay with that.

We all need someone.

I needed him, but now he needed me too. Admittedly, I didn’t take the role well.

Fast forward to today

Today, or should I say for the past few weeks I’ve barely been able to accomplish anything. I feel like weights are attached to my arms and legs. My eyes barely able to stay open.

I smile. My false presentation of happiness well intact at work.

I text my husband to get a little sympathy. Sad I know. He has it worse than I do. Yet, I text him to say how bad I feel.

His response,

This is how people with depression, anxiety, and PTSD feel every day.  Later you will feel like you wasted your day, while having zero energy to accomplish anything.”

My reply, may or may not have surprised him,

I actually feel like that quite often.  That is why I try force myself to do stuff when I’m too tired.”

I do that a lot. It’s my way of trying to not get sucked in the downward spiral of hopelessness.

So I force myself up. I tell myself, just get this one thing done. Then you won’t have wasted your day.

But as my husband said, it isn’t enough. Not for me anyway. All I think about are the days when I could have reached the moon and back. 

Today I would settle for getting the grass cut at the end of a work day.

Final Thought

I do know I’m going to keep fighting. Fighting for a happier place. Fighting for my dreams because I know it’s within my grasp to achieve them.

Some of us fight harder than others. That’s okay. Let’s make sure we keep fighting.

L’hitraot (See you soon),

Kari

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8 comments

  1. heraldmarty

    The trust issue is one many people struggle with but obviously what you’re experiencing is much more than simple lack of trust. I’m all for “self” improvement but if you haven’t already seen a professional you might want to consider it rather than continuing to struggle on your own.

    1. tattoosinsuburbia@yahoo.com

      Marquita,

      Thank you so much for your concern. You may be correct. I think that I’ve dealt with anxiety for so long that I’ve developed a sense of normal. That’s not to say it’s the best option.

      Kari

  2. Phoenicia

    Thank you for being so real. Far more people than we think suffer with anxiety. It can be crippling going over and over the same ground, reflecting on past conversations, not allowing anyone in. People put up barriers as a defence mechanism without realising they are then living half a life. I am cautious as a result of my past experiences. I take my time to get to know people.

    1. tattoosinsuburbia@yahoo.com

      Phoenicia,

      You are 100% correct. When I was younger I didn’t realize I was blocking people from my life. At one point I realized I was actually rejecting people before I got to know them. I am happy to say I have a few good friends, but like everyone we get stabbed in the back and it feels like the same old pain I’ve got accustomed to.

      I do think anxiety is much bigger than most people beleive. That is one reason I wanted to start this blog. I feel it’s time to stop judging and let people find peace in their lives. For me it’s theraputic to meet others in the same situation.

      God Bless,

      Kari

  3. Doreen Pendgracs

    Hi Kari. I’m sorry for your difficulties. I think that Marquita’s suggestion to seek professional help is a good one. I also think that joining a group of like minded people would help you. Do you have a Toastmasters club in your area? I am a HUGE supporter of Toastmasters, as if you get into the right club (and by that I mean one that is a good fit for you) it will change your life. Toastmasters attracts positive people. Everyone in our club can’t wait for Wednesday mornings, as we all enjoy one another so much. Visit toastmasters.org to find clubs in your area, and good luck!

    1. tattoosinsuburbia@yahoo.com

      Doreen,

      I would have to look into it. It doesn’t sound familiar. I will look into it. To be honest it was all pretty manageable until recently. FOr some reason, at least not one I can put my finger on, it seems to be bothering me more.

      God Bless,

      Kari

  4. Sushmita Thakare Jain

    Lovely post from your heart thank you for sharing dear
    Looking forward to what more you will have to share in coming weeks!

    1. tattoosinsuburbia@yahoo.com

      Sushmita,

      Thank you so much for your very kind feedback. Much appreciated!

      Kari

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